The Year 2005

It is that time of year again when one reflects all that has happened the past 525,600 minutes.

2005 was a year of change for me. Big challenges, heartache, and happiness.

Thinking back, I can barely believe it has only been a year.

Surrogacy:
I got pregnant with Oscar and Elinor on 1/27 - the day after my 23rd birthday. Then it was on to ultrasounds and a lot of tears - of joy, sadness, frustration. But I wouldn't trade any of it. I learned so much about myself. I learned that I am stronger and more determined and dedicated than I ever imagined. I gave a wonderful start to two beautiful, healthy, loved little kids. I turned a couple into a family. And added all of them to my own.

Most people say that surrogacy is a completely selfless act. I disagree. I love the fact that I have all 3 of my IFs in my life. I love seeing photos of all 3 of my surrokids. And I love the dead-tired voices on the other end of the phone and the random, I've-got-about-4-minutes-before-I-have-to-parent emails. I am proud of being able to do what so few women can. There is some innate part of myself that wants to give - and give in a big way. That piece of me would not be happy and content if I had not done this.

Friendship:
A couple months ago, I took a huge step. I swallowed my pride, and my fear, and I chose to trust someone completely. It has been years since I have done that. Al destroyed my sense of security five years ago. I lied to people to protect him and when the walls started falling in around me, he stood outside and watched. I learned that it was better to never trust anyone too much than to hurt like that ever again. How does that Melissa Etheridge song go... "I wanna know where I failed, I wanna know where I sinned. 'Cuz I don't wanna ever feel this way again." That is basically the crux of it. I had wanted for such a long time to open up completely to this person but my own brainwashing wouldn't allow me to. Finally, one day I got a grip on myself and did it. I told her everything. She said she understood. That I just wasn't ready until then and that was okay with her.

To clarify: I don't lie to anyone. It is more of a comfort-level thing. I don't display my insecurities and fears for everyone to see.

Heather- I will always be thankful that you are my friend. You have inspired me to be a better person. You have shown me what true courage is. You make me laugh and you are there when I need to cry or vent or just make really horrible comments about people just to get them off my chest so I can move past it and you never hold it against me. You are happy with me when good things happen and you are strong for me when I feel weak. You understand how hard the single mom thing can be, but also how rewarding. You know that one of the greatest gifts that can ever be given is simply the gift of time. You understand that change is inevitable and that it isn't a bad thing - change means progress, learning, seeing things through different eyes, new experiences. The first step in trusting someone was the hardest. Thank you for handling it with such grace. You made me feel much more willing to trust other people in the future - and if they turn out to be asshats, at least I'll still have you! I love you, Heather.

This year I have also made new friends and reconnected with old ones. All of whom I am grateful for. Some I know in person and some only through the words they type or the sound of their voices. But each one has touched me in some way. Thank you all for caring and being there. For laughing with me and for dealing with me when I'm being a miserable wench. For dragging my ass off the sofa when I'm feeling down, for knowing when to listen and when to offer advice. My hat is off to each of you.

On to one of the year's touchiest of subjects... Al:

I have often said that I refuse to regret anything. I can make mistakes - but I choose to learn from them, not regret them. And I mean it.

However court goes, however this all ends... I choose to be thankful. I am thankful that I met Al, and that he gave me our daughter. I am thankful for the time we spent together this year, that he answered many of my questions. Much of the hurt I once felt over the whole situation has been nullified now that I know he cares about us. Somehow, just knowing that, hearing it in his own words - his voice, coming from his mouth - is enough. My anger is mostly vanquished. I still have my moments, but I just remind myself that he is doing what he thinks is best for Pax - even if I disagree 100%. He loves her (Pax). He cares about me. He wants what is best for both of us. That is all that matters any more. He knows he is welcome in my home. And he will come in his own time. For now, I will be glad for having had one last night with him.